Alright, I’ve got shit to do, so let’s get stuck in on my latest obsession - ADHD itself.
My name for it so far was self sabotage.
This consistent, relentless little shithead counter-current in me that made sure I’d fuck it up in the end. I was at least half convinced that I secretly hated myself, because why else would I fuck up so often in ways that were entirely preventable, and never follow through on things I thought were important.
My life is a fucking graveyard of the best intentions. Wonderful, meaningful intentions that never made it out into the world.
Turns out, my brain just wasn’t built for the kind of life I knew how to make for it.
I didn’t have the resources or understanding to chase after my projects while also trying to live a basic modern life. I’ve been fired multiple times due to the influence of unmanaged ADHD in my life. I’ve let people I care about down. I’ve struggled to maintain, and accidentally dropped, long term friendships. When you’re coming in as a grown ass adult there’s a lifetime of ADHD running the show behind your back.
No one’s looking at a psychiatric diagnosis with longing because it’s been an easy ride.
So let’s work out what this actually means, and how I can start to do a better job of respecting my design constraints for a building a good life. I’m doing this out loud as an invitation to figure it out with me.
It’s a brain difference, first and foremost. Differences in chemistry, and often structure. Areas impacted include those associated with attention, emotion, and inhibition (stopping yourself).
As for Chemistry, you can’t swing a cat in the adhd conversation without dopamine coming up. It’s kind of a big deal, and also a dick about it.
Dopamine is implicated in the reward circuit, motivation, pleasure, desire, and cravings. When we achieve our goals, and especially when we find unexpected rewards (thought your boss would give you a £5 coffee voucher, got £100 cash instead) it feels Real Good™. When reality falls short of our expectations though (you expected a £1k bonus, and got £100 instead) it feels Real Bad™.
If I’m understanding things correctly, the ability to look forward to things is fundamentally dopamine dangling a carrot in front of your eyes. Planning ahead means being able to expect dopamine when goals are accomplished.
So when we say that the ADHD brain is deficient in dopamine, it means all those functions are impacted. We need a bigger stimulus for the same hit, and also struggle to connect the dots on long term planning.
We know ADHD follows patterns, that it’s varied but consistent.
I haven’t read the whole thing yet, but I did find it start working my way through it. There’s a lot there, and I’ll definitely be returning to it, in addition to the host of podcasts I’m working through (this is a focused one, not my dumping ground list):
We know people can thrive with it. It’s hard, not a death sentence. We’ve seen people with extraordinary success here, with rich and varied and impactful lives. Even if it isn’t also an advantage, at the very least they’ve worked out how to not be held back either.
I’m still working on some other playlists on different topics, there’s a lot out there. Turns out I’m part of a proud tradition of people turning hyperfocus back on itself. There’s a certain degree of solace in that.
I’m going to develop my knowledge of this thing,
I’m going to do my best to work out what works for me through experimentation,
and I’m going to use my developing understanding to design a better situation for myself.
Simple.
But not easy.
This is the Game.
Hope you have a great day.
-J